Project Get a Life

Lately I have experiences some really bizarre dreams. Mostly dreams about stuff that makes me squirm. It's odd.

My husband has been talking about his depression lately and how he thinks he needs to take some medication. I agree with him however I don't wish to do the same which doesn't help my case that I think he should take some....

I wish to try some other things to get myself out of my funk because friends, truly, I am not very good at this depression and anxiety thing. Oh sure, anxiety and being wound up inside is definitely my thing but not the anxiety that gives one panic attacks and random bouts of tears over EVERYTHING . I am really hoping it is hormones this week but hormones can only take you so far until you become a caricature of some Victorian matron having "vapors" and becoming diagnosed with "hysteria" and put a way in some dark attic with a deaf mute nurse.. but I digress.

I was born on a sunny day and have generally had a very sunny personality. I was an optimist and positive energy gal for most of my life, even during the 5 years I wore black (I would sneak in bright colors even then -- it was law, it was the 80's). When times got really tough I would find something else to dream on, something else to create in my life to make me happy and tell myself "this too shall pass." Of course then I was young and it did.

My dh has the opposite. I think he was really attracted to me because I was light and happy (like a moth to a flickering porch light?). I am pretty sure it was that and not my considerable bedroom skills (but they helped). After 15 years I am not: a: a twenty something. b. up for anything because I can sleep till noon and party til 5 am. because those days are long gone. and c. a mystery.

Dh has a family history of depression. He is the "lucky one" as his brother got the worst of the gene pool of depressive disorders however he is still always with a low grade of depression running at idle at his best. He tends to run toward the negative when talking to him and some people literally run from any serious discussion with him because he can be so black and white about stuff. The St.John's Wort doesn't really work well because it is pretty inconsistent. I hate to say this but I think both our depressions are feeding on each other in making each other worse. He has managed to find and keep and to continue making friends while in this state. I have not.

Well, I do have some friends but we don't talk much. Rather, when we talk it is too much and I have to step back and get on with my life for a while. One friend is a stay at home mom with four kids (and a mother in law). Coming over for coffee is a 6 hour deal. I work full time and don't often have 6 hour blocks to devote to this hanging around and helping her with her little ones who are jealous as all hell that their Mom isn't paying attention to them. She is a fabulous cook and totally gorgeous and has a beautiful figure. A Lebanese Sophia Loren at 35. I totally love her. If I had more time or at least lived two houses away like we used to I would see her more. I really love talking to her and she shows me how to do stuff like making kefta and tabbouleh. I don't show her much at all except talk English with her alot since I don't know Arabic.

My other friend is a nurse like me. She has 5 kids! She works night shift and her husband is very busy finishing up his residency and practicing with his band. She is amazing. She has basically supported her family for the past 9 years. I couldn't have done it. Plus she gave birth to 2 kids during this time. We don't see each other much due to our schedules (we both work full time on opposite shifts) and I always feel guilty calling her (she could be sleeping!) but when we talk we are on the phone for HOURS. Her kids are spaced more in age --one is still in diapers I think but they all work together well and help take care of one another. She has a parenting style more like mine--permissive I guess. She simply doesn't have the energy to stay on top of each kid like they are hothouse flowers. She is from California.

Gee, I feel better already.

One thing we all have in common is that we are far away from our childhood homes and family.

So part one of Get a Life is to connect more with people, my friends and make some new ones.

Tonight after I drop my son off at his youth group I will be joining a Group called "Chicks with Sticks" at the Mission Rose Quiltery. I learned how to knit 22 years ago from an old boyfriend's mother. I'd like to pick it up again. I'd like to learn to crochet even more but no one is offering a class or whatever yet and I hope I can teach myself that or serendipitously find someone to show me. I hope to meet some nice people that have common interests and the same kind of fiber sickness I have.

I have also joined the YMCA Downtown Writer's Group. I haven't attended anything yet but I plan to go there after work next week and just write.

I used to have all sorts of talented arty friends and now I don't. I feel like I lost myself or maybe that is just what happens when you get out of college and settle down with family and jobs. I don't know.