Success!

I survived my latest run-in with the laser! Yesterday was the big day. About an hour before I had to go there, I looked in my little bag and freaked right out because I forgot to do any of the eyedrops prior to this day. So I did the eye drops and decided "the heck with it!" I'll fake it. I 'm not rescheduling this.

After working in the medical profession, I am aware of things we do for preventative purposes because most people are not very compliant afterwards. I figure since I already take antibiotics every day for my skin (internally and externally) I will live just fine without those "day before" eyedrops. So far as the wetting drops, I just need to make sure I use those frequently From Now On.

Then I realize I hadn't heard from my friend Mags. I call her and she absolutely freaks--she totally forgot so she zips over. Since this is the doc that made me wait 2 hours, I just call and tell them I will be about 1o minutes late.

We get there and I tell her I think I am supposed to be done around 1130 which gives her time to pick up her granddaughter from the bus. Don't let the word "granddaughter" give you the wrong impression of my fabulas friend. She had her daughter young and then her daughter decided to outdo Mom and suffice it to say, Mags is a ginger-haired hot GMILF. And through years of dealing with a crappy hand that life dealt her, girl knows how to live. Just ask her about her next vacation.

So I sign in and review my information, COMPLETELY correcting my birthdate (they had me at 51 years old with a birthdate in March!). I get my blood pressure done, some reminders of my eyedrops and given a Valium. Then they dress me up in a blue shower cap and some fugly shoe covers. The Dr. comes in and tells me what to expect so I don't freak out. Main points: focus on the red light, some downward pressure on the eye--don't fight it, your vision will totally gray out for a moment and the laser sounds like a weed whacker. Oh, and DON'T MOVE.

I'm guided in by a nurse and positioned on the table. Everything goes as he describes. One thing I notice is that it doesn't hurt one bit. He does both eyes in about 15 minutes and we take pictures. I am brought to a chair and told to keep my eyes closed until the Dr checks on me. He does another surgery (10 minutes) and comes over and checks my eyes, tells me they are perfect. My vision is pretty hazy right now but that is temporary. When I get home I am to take another valium, eat a light snack and take a mandatory 2 hour nap. I am also to keep my eyes closed on the ride home.

They give my sunglasses and I call my friend. Mags picks me up and we chat but I am getting a little carsick because my eyes are closed. She is so sweet, she tries to help me to my house but I am okay. I get in and lie down for a moment for the nausea to pass. Then I take the valium, one of my dad's oxycodones and eat a bowl of cereal. I don the sleeping goggles (so I don't rub my eyes while asleep) and sleep for a few hours. I wake up to horrible eye watering, streaming down my face, my eyes hurt like hell so get up and grab some tissue to wipe my face and I put in more eyedrops. Then I take three Ibuprofen and another oxycodone and lie back down, put on CNN and try to live through this. The medication takes effect and I sleep till 5pm. My guess is the numbing drops wore off.

When I woke up my vision was great, left eye not perfect but it was the one with astigmatism so I considered that I probably need to give it a little more time. I am walking around my house and reading and seeing without glasses. I am not allowed to drive today but I drive around the corner anyway to Eckerds to buy more wetting eyedrops and back. I feel a little strung out still and very very hungry. I drank some coffee and made some rice and LaChoy Chicken Chow Mein (it's quick and ok if you don't think of it as Chinese food--I have childhood nostalgia connected to it).

Mike called and we talked a little. I started catching up on my tv shows. I tried to knit but kept screwing it up and finally frogged that whole section down and put it away. I went to bed, remembering to take my drops and put on my goggles. My left eye is still not perfect (it is much better than it was though) but I have a follow up visit this morning so we may have to schedule a revision.

I am so cute without my glasses. I wish they had a laser that could take 20 pounds off.

It's April 25th

You heard me. I can't believe it is April 25th and I have had nothing to say! I have been reading.... that usually makes me a hermit because I have to Finish. The. Book. No. Matter. What. once I bury myself in one.

So what have I been reading?

I just finished _Hypocrite in a White Poufy Dress_ by Susan Gilman. I looked at it at Target and read a few pages and was hooked. She grew up around the same time as me and these are stories about her growing up in NYC. I didn't grow up in NYC but I did grow up in NY-- Long Island, some in NJ (which is like little NY--the lost borough) and Syracuse (ie. "the sticks"). Much is familiar, so I was laughing remembering the late 1970's and the 80's.

I am also reading about three other books on and off (Eat,Pray, Love; The Other Boleyn Girl(finished), Spending, The Autobiography of Henry VIII, --I'm going through a Tudor phase, and also another book about a volcano and a city in Italy, then we have the magazines and some craft type books. I am teaching myself to crochet with The Happy Hooker and have been wandering around my dump of a house (with all this reading, you think I have time for housework?) trying to figure out how I am going to0 move my sewing lab up to the front living room so I can gut the basement out for the dry basement people to do their thing and then refinish my basement. Mike is very doubtful about the sewing area being in the front of the house where people can see it first when they walk in the door. I find myself reaching for straws, wildly promising "we'll make big screens from folding doors-- I'll figure something out, we will be creative"....lol he can hardly handle the creative miasma that is my house now.

Other disturbing tendencies... I am thinking of painting my den quite often. This is disturbing because I painted it last year. I spent big money on expensive, tasteful, neutral paint and nearly killed myself caulking and painting all over the house hoping someone would fall in love and buy it. Now it looks like masking tape color. I have the same color in my kitchen accented with blue counters and cream cupboards. Since the rooms are continuous I thought it would make it look bigger. But it doesn't. We have to restain our deck this year too-- and Mike is working in Illinois this month.

I have to go to work now and tonight I have knitting. Tomorrow I get lasik eye surgery. So I'll fill you in on my latest way to torture myself once my eyesight returns.

Day off Tuesday

Today is my day off this week. I had a derm appt. and so did ds. DS was hoping for some light treatment on his teenage acne but his particular brand is not treatable that way. He has some skin ointments to apply and is not happy about it. My appt. took ever so long. I was going for a laser treatment (yes, I am that vain) to decrease the scars from acne and chickenpox as well as rejuvenate my ever-expanding pores and fine lines. It is fractional laser and I am doing a series over five months. My doctor was concerned that the numbing gel wasn't on long enough so I ended up waiting for another hour for it to really be effective. In retrospect I am glad he did. He even came in to tell me that they were not forgetting me or putting me off d/t busyness, he just wanted me to be well numbed.

I have never had a tattoo but I suspect it feels much the same as fractional laser. after they do a side of my face, it swells and gets hivey but not itchy, more throbby. Then it calms down. They did 2 passes (or as much as the patient will tolerate says my Dr.). Since this is an expensive (to me) procedure, I was prepared to tolerate whatever I could get. The more that is done, the better result so it pays not to be a wimp. It hurts but I am promised some great results and if it works out well, I might even consider a little botox for my furrows between my eyebrows, I can grow corn in them they are so deep.

My face does not hurt now, it is still a bit red like I got too much sun. I plan to wash it with Aveeno and moisturize tonight and go back to my regular skin care regimen in about 2 days.

When we left we got some lunch at Wegmans and I brought ds home having given up on the concept of school for today. I then went out grocery shopping at a closer Wegmans and bought some of their shopping bags which are really cool, have lots of room and are well designed. I could make my own but I like the wegmans ones for now. I have 6 of them and am keeping them in my car and plan to use them for most of all my shopping.

Then I felt very tired and achy and sore throaty. I took a nap after putting away groceries. Ds and DH are playing World of Warcraft together in the livingroom. I have a turkey breast roasting in the oven and Starbucks coffee warming on the burner. I may go to Joanne's for their sale.

Tomorrow I have work, take ds to Mega-Youth and go to Knitting Group. Thursday and Friday I have to work 12 hour shifts so I will not likely post then unless I have some amazing story to tell. I expect to be pretty tired and just plan to eat, sleep, work, repeat.

Upcoming weekend plans: there is an international film festival this weekend (I think) and dh plans to go to a gun show at the fairgrounds. I have a dinner invitation by my friend on Saturday for the celebration of her daughter's wedding--it is a party type atmosphere but dh does not want to go. He plans to take off Sat. night to Illinois for a job. So I think I might want to sneak in a spa appointment early Sat. am for a mini-overhaul (wax, haircut, mani/pedi and massage). Sunday I have to sit down and work on my Dad's estate stuff, pay bills and file file file bills and papers.

I wish this weather will improve. I would like to get out there and do some walking and get some fresh air. I feel as if I have been locked up for months. It snowed today -- snow and rain back and forth--disgusting. Thank God I don't have a dog cuz I would be hating walking him/her in this muck. I want some flowers and green --not too much to ask for in April is it?

The knitting, the sewing, the crafts.

My knitting is coming along splendidly. I have knit the cable sections and the box section and now am doing the ribbed (2 stitch and 1 stitch) on my scarf. In the beginning I messed up a popcorn section and didn't put in enough rows and then made it up on another section but it ended up switching the right side to the wrong side but.... the other end won't be the same anyway so it will just look like a design decision.

I made dh his hat and it took me forever. I think the next one will go smoother. Yesterday I never made it downstairs to the sew room to work on anything. I bought an mp3 player that doesn't work. They never work. The only one that has ever worked for me out of the box has been an Ipod. The rest seem to totally suck ass. The computer never recognizes them and it is very tiresome to spend over $100 on a piece of plastic crap that doesn't work. Hear this Sandisk and Rio -- your mp3's suck. And it's going back to Best Buy today.

I did start this little weaving project but it looks like I did not weave correctly so I tried it differently. The problem is there doesn't seem to be enough weft to weave anything around the design. It is one of those wrapping yarn around cardboard and putting a picture under it. I worked on it late last night. It is cool but I have to figure out a different way to do this so it looks right.

I really have to leave for work right now.

Work Rant

I'm starting this post without a title mostly because I'm in for about 15 minutes of ramble. Lately what has been on my mind is how stressed out I am about work and how I really need a bunch of time off and how impossible it would be to get it. I try to think of the hundred other things I'd rather be doing than emptying out someone's toilet and how absolutely soul killing it has been watching people die etc. I do my best by my patients and it irks me when I get shit from the charge nurse because of a petty complaint or the family just has no where else to vent their grief stress and feelings of powerlessness so I am the safest place to dump their disappointments. Yes, I am conscious of all that crap but... But.. It still rankles and hurts. I am a person and bleed like everyone else. I work steadily all day without break, without time to actually sit down and take a fricking breath and the bells ring and the requests pour forth and I am almost like a little Dutch boy sticking my finger in the crack of an overwelming bottomless dam of need. So when a family member is very critical because, oh, there isn't ice water, or when we were transferring their loved one back to bed at their request (after just getting them out of bed, grrr), the patient's feet started to slide on the floor and luckily we got him in the bed okay but his lines were pulling so we had to disconnect them for 10 seconds and reconnect them after distangling them--and we did not have our gloves on but we were VERY CAREFUL and could not get gloves because we were trapped between the patient, the iv lines and the wall and the chair (our rooms are very very small). So PaRDONNe et moi. And another thing: If you keep offering help and we finally say okay, here is how you can help. DO NOT BITCh about having to help later to my boss, just get the hell out of the room and out of our way so we can do our job as there is not much room to manuver in the first place.

As you can see, I am reliving stress and pissedoffedness.

I have to find a better way to do this as my dh is currently not working (his whole travel thing is not working out very well). Someone has to bring home the bacon.

There, I've named it and with two minutes to spare.

Fugging Greenland

We are in what's called a Greenland block. There is some type of weather blockage that is forcing the jet stream down and keeping it there holding us in cold wintry weather pattern waiting for us to collectively yell "UNCLE".

This gave us winter Easter, winter "Spring" break for the kids. I daresay this will give us some winter suicides if it doesn't STOP RIGHT NOW and GET WARMER. Didn't I say Uncle?

Add to that gas has risen 20 cents in the last week.

Dh is leaving today for Illinois.

Hangovers

Don't you really hate hangovers? I used to get them back, ahem, in my younger days and they only get worse as you get older and usually serve to stop you from doing something dumb and regretty.

We are living in a hangover right now. It is not of our own choosing, rather it is a winter hangover and it plans to stay through Easter. The snow has not stopped. I want to call Demeter and tell on it.

I was right in my predread regarding work. It was all I thought it would be and worse. Two nurses for that side! 2! splitting that horrible side with those medically and physically heavy people ... on a Thursday! What were they trying to do to us? Luckily someone came in at 1130 and took two of my old ladies I was neglecting (okay, I came in, assessed them, took their blood pressures, their blood sugars, gave them their meds and refreshments cuz everyone needs new ice water when we're short and left them with their breakfast--they were breathing and talking). The first 3 patients were so busy busy busy--blood transfusions, chemotherapy, baths, hypertension, tachycardia, shortness of breath, dressings, dysfunctional family dynamics, etc. I had no break: no am break, no lunch break, and was kept there for an extra 40 minutes so I could wrestle the charts away from the doctors and write my notes. At one point my boss sent me to drink some orange juice because my blood sugar was so low I was feeling dizzy. Couple that with overcrowding (these rooms should all be private rooms they are so small with one tiny toilet and one tiny sink), my CT disappeared to transport big heavy people to tests and ten zillion doctors and assorted ancillary hospital staff clogging up my halls and nursing station.... i was a grumpy bitch and I think I cried about 4 times.

All this lead to a horrible hunger headache. My husband called as I was trying to finish my notes to tell me "Get home now! my car is repaired! I want not to be stranded in a foodless home!" So, instead of my planned stop offs (the hamburger stand, the computer store to drop off my hard drive enclosure, Joann's for the Simplicity pattern sale) I came directly home and dropped him to Pep Boys for the reunion.

After this we went out to eat, leaving the taciturn teenager home (always better this way-- I say, if you can get away without a babysitter and leave the kids home--Always do this, you will have more fun).

We went to Outback Steakhouse and I ordered a Starbucks expressorita or tini or something--It is expresso, it has cream and vodka. I ate Prime Rib for my meal of the day with garlic mashed potatoes. I very surrepticiously oogled the server and his helpers (really hot guys working there) and my husband never noticed as he was headfirst in his Jersey style ribeye. The very good expressorita lasted only through appetizers so then I got a chick drink--a wallaberita or something that was very fruity with Chambord, Cointreau, orange and ice and Malibu and other stuff... I left a generous tip.

I usually get kinda tipsy with two glasses of wine so dh drove home. We first stopped at McD's for the teenager (he so would not appreciate a steak dinner) and came home. The teen was thrilled with McD's. I tried to knit but screwed it up and had to start the row over which was tricky since I had to "unknit" that row. I knit one, purled one and then put it away as the light was dimming. At this point I was ready to sleep and it was only 7:30. So I made some coffee and paid bills -- mine and my dad's. Then I went to bed after trying to surf a little and visit some of my favorite places like A Dress a Day and read my email. I love the Summer designs from Vogue patterns and Hot Patterns' line with McCalls. But I got all confused trying to figure out my size with all those measurements and decided to make a project of it later.

Dh decided to sleep at night and came to bed with me but I woke up at about 1:30 am with the most horrible stomach and was up for about an hour in the bathroom. After going back to sleep for like 5 minutes the alarm woke me up and here I am. I have a stomach ache hangover, feel all corn husky and shaky inside. My head is alright, just a little dehydrated but there is no way I can do another day like yesterday. Shar, our charge nurse did promise me a break from the "clampetts" (our very large dysfunctional family)-- they are like vampires, sucking your soul and energy with the patient (mother) the ringleader. Now don't be so shocked. People don't become all saintly when they become ill. Their personalities actually get more exaggerated and their coping skills (when they have any)often turn to the lashing out at other people category.

Tomorrow, after I scrub the bathrooms so the Board of Health doesn't shut us down, I plan to make hats for dh to take with him on the road because he will be leaving Monday or Tuesday for Illinois.

Knitting Class

I went to my first Chicks with Sticks class. The lovely Beth helped me cast on and got me started. Then it was almost like riding a bike. The other ladies or shall I say grrls were really cool. One had her baby with her (3 months old and totally delicious), another showed me pictures of her award-winning greyhound who is all kinds of awesome in her show costumes and the third there was a lady who cracked me up from the time I got there. She was like a combination of Karen from Will and Grace, Tina Fey and Dixie Carter. Her little girl was there ducking behind bolts of fabric and baskets of yarn trying really hard not to read her book.

I was still in my work clothes as I had a dr. appt. after work then had to ferry my son to his youth group with no time to change my clothes. I was lucky to use the bathroom.

Dh was home all day without a car, doing laundry, kinda depressed. He didn't sleep at all last night (secondary to the night shift he worked for 2 weeks). He is patiently awaiting his car to be repaired.

Today I have to do some food shopping and pay bills after work. I also have to load some software on this computer as it is new and has nothing on it. I can't post any pictures until I load the printer software and the other illustration software on here. It's a pita.

Work today: not looking forward to it--sure to be shorted either today or tomorrow.

Oh, did I mention it is snowing this morning?

Project Get a Life

Lately I have experiences some really bizarre dreams. Mostly dreams about stuff that makes me squirm. It's odd.

My husband has been talking about his depression lately and how he thinks he needs to take some medication. I agree with him however I don't wish to do the same which doesn't help my case that I think he should take some....

I wish to try some other things to get myself out of my funk because friends, truly, I am not very good at this depression and anxiety thing. Oh sure, anxiety and being wound up inside is definitely my thing but not the anxiety that gives one panic attacks and random bouts of tears over EVERYTHING . I am really hoping it is hormones this week but hormones can only take you so far until you become a caricature of some Victorian matron having "vapors" and becoming diagnosed with "hysteria" and put a way in some dark attic with a deaf mute nurse.. but I digress.

I was born on a sunny day and have generally had a very sunny personality. I was an optimist and positive energy gal for most of my life, even during the 5 years I wore black (I would sneak in bright colors even then -- it was law, it was the 80's). When times got really tough I would find something else to dream on, something else to create in my life to make me happy and tell myself "this too shall pass." Of course then I was young and it did.

My dh has the opposite. I think he was really attracted to me because I was light and happy (like a moth to a flickering porch light?). I am pretty sure it was that and not my considerable bedroom skills (but they helped). After 15 years I am not: a: a twenty something. b. up for anything because I can sleep till noon and party til 5 am. because those days are long gone. and c. a mystery.

Dh has a family history of depression. He is the "lucky one" as his brother got the worst of the gene pool of depressive disorders however he is still always with a low grade of depression running at idle at his best. He tends to run toward the negative when talking to him and some people literally run from any serious discussion with him because he can be so black and white about stuff. The St.John's Wort doesn't really work well because it is pretty inconsistent. I hate to say this but I think both our depressions are feeding on each other in making each other worse. He has managed to find and keep and to continue making friends while in this state. I have not.

Well, I do have some friends but we don't talk much. Rather, when we talk it is too much and I have to step back and get on with my life for a while. One friend is a stay at home mom with four kids (and a mother in law). Coming over for coffee is a 6 hour deal. I work full time and don't often have 6 hour blocks to devote to this hanging around and helping her with her little ones who are jealous as all hell that their Mom isn't paying attention to them. She is a fabulous cook and totally gorgeous and has a beautiful figure. A Lebanese Sophia Loren at 35. I totally love her. If I had more time or at least lived two houses away like we used to I would see her more. I really love talking to her and she shows me how to do stuff like making kefta and tabbouleh. I don't show her much at all except talk English with her alot since I don't know Arabic.

My other friend is a nurse like me. She has 5 kids! She works night shift and her husband is very busy finishing up his residency and practicing with his band. She is amazing. She has basically supported her family for the past 9 years. I couldn't have done it. Plus she gave birth to 2 kids during this time. We don't see each other much due to our schedules (we both work full time on opposite shifts) and I always feel guilty calling her (she could be sleeping!) but when we talk we are on the phone for HOURS. Her kids are spaced more in age --one is still in diapers I think but they all work together well and help take care of one another. She has a parenting style more like mine--permissive I guess. She simply doesn't have the energy to stay on top of each kid like they are hothouse flowers. She is from California.

Gee, I feel better already.

One thing we all have in common is that we are far away from our childhood homes and family.

So part one of Get a Life is to connect more with people, my friends and make some new ones.

Tonight after I drop my son off at his youth group I will be joining a Group called "Chicks with Sticks" at the Mission Rose Quiltery. I learned how to knit 22 years ago from an old boyfriend's mother. I'd like to pick it up again. I'd like to learn to crochet even more but no one is offering a class or whatever yet and I hope I can teach myself that or serendipitously find someone to show me. I hope to meet some nice people that have common interests and the same kind of fiber sickness I have.

I have also joined the YMCA Downtown Writer's Group. I haven't attended anything yet but I plan to go there after work next week and just write.

I used to have all sorts of talented arty friends and now I don't. I feel like I lost myself or maybe that is just what happens when you get out of college and settle down with family and jobs. I don't know.

April, Spring or something is here

I say this because here in Central NY we get something like Spring in the beginning of April but it just really isn't. Temps are in the 40's, we still have frost on our cars in the morning and there is still threat of snow and quite probably it will rain and be overcast 5 days out of 7. It's like Fall without the pretty leaves, a hangover from March. Not the best atmosphere to drag soul, mind and body out of depression.

Today I wake up (glad to wake up--thanks God!) dreading going to work. Lately I feel like I am working with death every day. I am its handmaiden. Fairly young people (many younger than me) find out they have this deadly disease and have to take poison to kill it and somehow avoid killing themselves in the process. This may or may not cure them. It may cure them for a little while but then the disease comes back and, in the case of most poisons, they may have one less tool to use to kill it again.

Yesterday my dermatologist told me that I had the progenitor of this disease in a mole sample he took last month and he needed to cut it out. I totally agreed since cutting out the disease works much neater and better than pouring a bunch of poison on it. But it shook me. Really, people end up with dysplasias all the time (especially women--on cervixes and moles and sometimes on a mucus membrane in the mouth and God forbid a little lump in the breast). It shook me because this mole is in a place where the sun NEVER shines. No amount of sunscreen would have prevented the cells in that little mole from going wacky. If I wasn't so freaking vain, I might not have had this looked at. Because I didn't show up at the dreamy Dr. Faselli's office for moles on my back nor moles 4 cm above my ladyparts..... I came about the moles on my face and the increased pore size and the over-40 acne. I came for laser consult baby!

With Dad dying on Christmas of lung cancer and seemingly normal healthy people between the ages of 20 and 43 showing up with leukemia (so many that half our beds are closed), this was like a post traumatic episode for me.

Add to that the chronic poor staffing and the fact I really don't want to be anyone's nurse/concierge/waitress/emotional punching bag anymore, it makes it very hard to go in to work everyday. I want less of it. My boss keeps pushing for more though. I asked for part-time hours when I returned in January and she said maybe after summer (8 months?). I did get rid of the 12 hour marathon shifts (although boss keeps asking and I do get mandated to work them). I should just refuse and get fired.

Thing is my energy is still so low that I don't have the energy to go through applying somewhere else, sitting through their mandated bs classes etc. Plus I do need to make some money as I am still paying all Dad's bills. I really really hope someone buys that stupid (insert some horrible swear word cursing its actual physical existance) condo so I can be done with it and its accursed board members and blood suckers--$500 a month for grounds fees? Puhleese--pure highway robbery.

I am a bit stressed. I am trying to get rid of the stress and depression and manage my life without the gerbil on the wheel feeling. I don't have girlfriends, guyfriends, just a husband who is depressed too (he is depressed genetically and usually out of state and is right now, out of work). I do like to be alone but would like friends but since I don't like to even hang out with me (I bitch a lot lately because I am unhappy--I guess I'm spreading it around).

So here goes, Project Get a Life. Details to follow.